What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 05:24
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Put me off passion for life!!
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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But it wasn’t much.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot live in the past .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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I couldn’t, believe it.
When she asked me how she looked .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were not on the streets..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was in good health!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I write beautiful poetry .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was seconnd youngest,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And i lived it daily.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So, i spoilt her more .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She found it foreign!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But, we were locked up after school.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She loved him until the end.
Would this be the day?
(And it was in our own minds.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She married twice! .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Ive learnt so much.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Comes on , in middle age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was scared of men, in general
I have no regrets .
I said to her
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
What did i know ?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was very sick at this time too.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why did i forgive my father ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We all went to grammer schools
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I waited trembling.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She wouldn,t have been !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I will be 64.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is soul school!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He knew the spot.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
All the time i was locked up.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im still living with it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My life is so biszare .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i do to all so called friends.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I think the readers, may guess!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was 9 years of age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.